I’ve tried to write this post four times over the past couple of weeks and each time I have closed my laptop, opened it again, wrote a sentence and closed it again. To say that over the past few weeks I have gone through a period of self doubt and lack of confidence, would be an understatement. I’m not entirely sure the exact pinnacle moment this happened, but I think when things start to get a bit too much, is when this ultimately happens. When you know, you know. I’m not just talking about ‘the world of blogging’ but other factors have played a massive part in me not wanting to write. How can I produce ‘happy and enjoyable’ content when I wasn’t feeling it? I’ve always vowed to be extremely real with what I write but I also want people to read it and know it’s me. Otherwise, what’s the point? It defeats the object of why I set up my blog in the first place.
This has had a catch 22 effect. The past few weeks of not producing content has made me fall out of love with it. I’ve realised how stressful it is to plan content every week, to get the perfect photo and the time it takes to plaster it all on social media. The self doubt you face when you click on your stats after a week long of planning and writing, and you don’t get the results you were hoping for, is really disheartening. This is the negative side of blogging and you end up thinking ‘fuck it, what’s the point, no ones reading it.’ Your focus becomes on stats, backlinks, SEO blah blah blah, and once this is your focus, your content starts going downhill. You’re then producing stuff for gain of followers, not the fact, that you’re writing it because you’re passionate about it. I for one, am guilty. Of course these things are important in a successful blog, but I think if you’re not posting for the right reasons, then that shows.
The past few weeks I’ve took some time out to think about why I set up my blog four years ago and what were the reasons behind it. The first reason is that I had a shitty break up and this was a form of a distraction, but let’s not go into that… The second, reason, is that I’ve got too many weird thoughts and opinions to simply just fester in my head, I would go insane! Everyone needs to hear them, right? The final reason, is that it’s a chance to find comfort in what you’re writing and to escape, for a while. Plus, you’re doing something that you enjoy and love!
It’s easy to forget what you enjoy doing when your focus is on something else. I haven’t spoken about this on my blog yet, but I’m moving. To say things have happened quickly is an understatement. My life is now talking about mortgages, life insurance and all the shit that they don’t teach you at school. Which they should, it’s really complicated and I still don’t understand mortgage rates. Yes, buying home decor and planning colour schemes is the fun bit, but when you’ve got a pen in your hand and the solicitor is asking “are you sure you want to do it,” then shit gets real. In that moment you realise how serious things are. I’d be lying to say that my feet aren’t a bit cold. Big life moments like these make you question everything. Are you doing the right thing? Am I ready? Is this too much of a commitment at a young age? All of this, I’ve been trying to answer over the past few weeks and I still don’t have an answer and I’m not sure whether I will. What I have learnt is that I’ve only been thinking about the negatives which has ultimately led me to feeling ‘not myself.’ I have ignored all the positives about the situation, I mean, I get to have sleepovers and play beer pong on a regular basis?! That clearly trumps all negatives. At the end of the day, if things go tits up, everything is a learning curve.
Talking about tits, I’ve joined Burlesque dancing. Yes, actual Burlesque. I joined a few weeks back after my friend said it had given her so much confidence. Of course, I needed to try it. I’ve always suffered from a lack of body confidence, I’ve never felt fully comfortable in my body and have always compared my legs, bum and stomach to other girls. Every girl does this right? A few months ago I lost my uni weight gain and I was, still am, incredibly proud of myself. However, I’ve learnt that no matter how much weight you lose, how many times you go to the gym, you don’t automatically get that body confidence just because you’ve lost a few pounds. Body confidence comes from your mindset, not your physical appearance. The past few weeks, I have learnt that no matter how old you are, what shape or size you may be, women are sexy, you just need to embrace yourself. It has done wonders for my self confidence and I’m starting to see myself differently when I look in the mirror. I honestly would recommend it to anyone that feels hung up on their body or what they look like. It’s not all nipple tassles and feather bowers, trust me!
Doing something out of my comfort zone, like Burlesque, has really shown me that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. It’s okay to have self doubt, experience low self esteem and to just generally not feel yourself, because at the end of the day, you will always come out a better and stronger person.
If anyone is feeling these things:
- Surround yourself with positive people and the people that bring out the best in you. I have been seeing a lot of my friends and making plans and it’s done wonders for me
- Do something out of your comfort zone
- Take time to reflect on yourself and highlight the things that you want to work on
- Know that no one is perfect and you will never please everyone
Here’s to hopefully more blogging, new chapters and feeling sexy and confident.